Beijing (CNBS) – Four North Korean officials were executed here today by being run over by a railway locomotive.
The executions were personally undertaken by Korean despot Kim Jung Un after he realized his secret vacation train had stopped here in Beijing rather than the resort town of Bonan Village on the island of Hainan in southern China.
To cover the blunder, Mr. Kim told Chinese government officials he had come for a “surprise meeting” with Chinese officials prior to meeting Donald Trump. Those officials, unprepared for the arrival of Mr. Kim’s heavily armoured train, scrambled to lay-on ground transportation and accommodation for Mr. Kim and the Korean delegation.
While he waited for the Chinese arrangements, Mr. Kim personally took control of his armoured train and ran over the officials responsible for the wrong turn.
“Our Beloved Leader handled the locomotive with remarkable skill”, a delegation spokeswoman said, “he is a truly gifted engineer”.
A source in the Chinese foreign ministry, who balked at Mr. Kim’s explanation, told CNBS that the Kim train was without doubt a vacation train. As a courtesy, the Chinese government had simply provided a cover-story for the Koreans.
CNBS staff in Beijing investigated a number of resorts in the Bonan Village area and found one reservation, at a five-star resort, for a “Mr. Smith and family of 40.” The train should have bypassed Beijing on route to southern China. Sources said the train was loaded with liquor, cigarettes, tropical clothing, and women.
Chinese foreign ministry sources said 35-odd women on board the train were listed as foreign policy advisers to Mr. Kim.
A resort reservations clerk said “Mr. Smith” visits the resort often “and seems to enjoy himself very much.” This is the third or fourth time “Mr. Smith” and his daughters have been to the resort this winter.
The clerk said large quantities of luxury goods are brought in by the hotel for Mr. Smith and his family including designer clothing, adult movie DVDs and toys, specialty foods, and high priced Champaign. According to the clerk, who says the hotel has a reputation for catering to an exclusive clientele, Mr. Smith is allergic to Chinese and Korean food. Consequently, the hotel brings in items such as McDonald’s Big Macs, fries, and poutine from KFC.