USA declared banana republic

Updated: Mar 11, 2018

Panama City, Panama (CNBS) – The United States of America has been officially designated a banana republic.

In announcing the banana republic designation, Juan Jones, El Presidente of the International Banana Growers Association explained for CNBS News, “before we designate a country a banana republic, the country must meet a set of very ridged criteria.”

“For instance, a country must have a demonstrably unstable government. We certainly see that in the current Trump administration – repeal all the previous administration’s policies and legislation. They are repealing every law and regulation back to the time of Herbert Hoover, inventor of vacuum-packed beef jerky.”

Mr. Jones noted the uncertainty this creates for business. “How can you run a business when first thing you have to do each morning is check CNN to find out the latest repeal or policy announcement?”

“Unstable leadership is an additional criteria and we see that in Mr. Trump, both personally and in his policy rants. These rants are another important criteria,” according to Mr. Jones.

Other criteria used by the association include:

  • Substantial presence of military personnel in important government positions (Gen. John Kelly, the White House; Gen. H.R. McMaster, national security adviser; Gen. James Mattis, Secretary of defense; Capt. H.M. Crunch, Secretary of the Navy)

  • Highly questionable elections, including those where a candidate loses but is sworn in anyway

  • Frequent praise of supporters such as the military or right-wing groups

  • Strong support for the regime’s power base, usually the military

  • Claim to be working to better the lot of a group such as the poor, the incredibly rich, and so on

  • Large military parades or tanks and armored vehicles stationed at key government and other buildings such as coffee shops

  • Bellicose and often rambling speeches by the leaders, often in front of large, paid crowds

Bart Raisin, of the Grape Growers of America, expressed outrage at the banana grower’s designation and called on Donald Trump to “Make America Grape Again”.

“Things are not perfect here in the USA but I would much rather be here where we have incredibly expensive health care, the god given right to shoot school kids or anybody else who gets on our nerves, and lots of cheap, non-English speaking, illegal immigrant labor – America, love it or leave it,” Mr. Raisin ranted.


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