Brenton Harding, chief White House correspondent
St. Petersburg, Russia (CNBS) – Should Donald Trump lose the presidential election, as widely expected, he will be appointed Russian ambassador to the United States, according to a very senior Russian foreign ministry source.
“We think very highly of Mr. Trump as a gullible, pliable source. He has been good to us in the past, so we want to reciprocate,” the foreign ministry official said. “Cheap too, a couple of hookers.”
“Mr. Trump has been a very reliable supplier of information on the United States and US policy initiatives, we would be delighted to retain him, show him our appreciation,” the official told CNBS News.
He said their greatest challenge is understanding when Trump is telling the truth. “However, since your President rarely speaks the truth, we have found that it’s safest to simply assume that everything he says is a lie. It is much simpler that way,” the official added.
Should the appointment be made, it is widely speculated that the Russian embassy will be relocated from Washington to Trump Tower in New York where Trump will over-charge rent on up to 10 floors of space.
Were Mr. Trump appointed he could enjoy diplomatic immunity helping him to avoid many legal problems he is expected to face on leaving the presidency. But with the next occupant of the White House likely to be Joe Biden, extending such immunity to Trump is considered very unlikely. “Immunity, yeah right!”, the former VEEP said laughing hysterically, “c’mon, man!”
Sources at the Russian Foreign Ministry say that if the United States refused to extend diplomatic immunity to Trump, they would send the former president to another foreign posting, such as Disneyland Paris.
“Trump hotels are all over the world so we would be likely to send him to a city with a Trump hotel. That would allow him to take part-time work in the hotel,” the source said. Russian diplomats are not known as the best paid members of the diplomatic corps.
First Lady Melania Trump said that if her husband accepted the Russian ambassadorship, she would accept deportation to her native Slovenia. Sources in the First Lady’s office tell CNBS that Mrs. Trump will leave her husband when he loses so that he can claim his prostitutes as a business expense.
Whether Russia would be able to accommodate other members of the Trump family is still an open question, the source told CNBS News. “We already have Jared, Don Jr, and his brother what’s-his-name in our pockets, so they are no problem”