Don't mess with Texas school safety

Updated: Mar 9, 2018

Part 4 of a three-part series.

Cowpie, TX (CNBS) – “Sometimes, it’s the old methods that still work and work the best.”

For Dung Beetle County’s Board of Education and Corrections. the old ways are working protecting the county’s schools from mass shootings like those that have taken place around the United States.

As the chairman of the county’s school board explains, “in the days of old Texas, when you had a problem you went out and hired a gun. So that is what we did last year, we hired a gun-fighter.” Billy-Joe Bob Hicks added, “we put ads in the county newspapers notifying everyone that we had hired a gun-fighter and if there was any problems, he’d take care of it.”

In an exclusive interview, the gun-fighter, Mexican Bob, told CNBS that Cowpie and the whole of Dung Beetle county has been pretty quiet since he arrived in town.

“Oh sure, there’s been the odd bar fight but I leave that to the Dung Beetle County sheriff. My job is the school.”

During a typical day, Mexican Bob can be found hanging out a Gerty’s Saloon and Drapery Shop a block up the street from Generalissimo Hernane Luis Diego de Santana School. A relatively quiet person, who resembles more a Hell’s Angel’s member than a law enforcement official, Mexican Bob says he lets two other fellows do his talking for him.

“When it comes to talkin’, I let Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson do my talkin’. So far, no ones bin objecting.”

“One thing that makes this county a little different from the rest is that most students come to school armed already. They do that in case of varmints on the way in. For instance, the other day one youngster was attacked by an armadillo. When that critter wouldn’t back off, well the lad let ‘im have it.”

Asked about his experience with active shooters, Mexican Bob admitted he had very little experience. “Most of my shooters ain't too active by the time I get finished with ‘em,” he said.

“Mr. Bob provides good value to the school board,” Mr. Hicks said.

The county pays Mr. Bob twenty-cents a day plus picking up his bar tabs. If he shoots someone he gets $5.00, $10.00 for a kill. If the person Mr. Bob shoots is mentally unbalanced he gets a $5.00 bonus.

Asked about spending his day in a bar rather than on a school campus, Mr. Bob said he likes the bar better. “It’s air conditioned, the beer’s cold. Besides, any shooters know where to find me.”

Mr. Hicks said that without doubt Mexican Bob is unconventional but effective. “Mr. Bob has an RV instead of a horse so he’s pretty unorthodox but he’s economical so we can say to the taxpayer of Dung Beetle County that we are spending their tax dollar well while protecting their children.

This report is part of an interminable CNBS series on guns and school safety.


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