School Safety Begins With a Weapon in Every Lunchbox

Part 1 of a three-part special report

Incest, WV (CNBS) – “We have to harden up our schools, not soften them,” Donald Trump has said and tweeted calling for the arming of all teachers to deter attacks on schools by crazed gunmen.

A West Virginia man has an even better idea.

The president subsequently walked back his tweet saying that he meant protecting schools by arming only teachers who are highly trained former military, law enforcement, or mental health patients.

Zeke Chesswinster, 46, of Incest, disagrees with the president.

“Arm everyone in the schools I say; students, teachers, janitors, secretaries, crossing guards, everyone. If one of your armed maniacs even tries to cause a problem, well you just open fire,” Mr. Chesswinster, president of the local command of the National Armed Students’ Association, told CNBS News in an exclusive interview.

Mr. Chesswinster agreed there might be a few students caught in the cross fire but it would be “a small price to pay to have a secure school where kids can go to have a peaceful smoke of your Mary Ju Wana.”

The board of inquisitors of Incest County Amalgamated School District are currently studying Mr. Chesswinster’s proposal to arm all school users. “Yep, the board of inquisitors has been studying my proposal since I presented it 18 months ago.”

Grand Inquisitor of the school district, Rube Hicks Jr., said a committee of the board has been discussing the proposal. “We have a number of questions we want to take up with Mr. Chesswinster. For instance, will students bring their own guns? Who provides ammunition especially if we have an incident? He has also proposed that first-grade girls, too young to wield high-powered weapons, be trained as ammunition runners. There’s a cost to all of this.”

“But we think he may be on to something here,” Mr. Hicks added. “After all, for the last five years Zeke has been patrolling the local school with his assault rifle – he’s there five days week and on Sunday he’s over at the church patrolling during the service.

“Not counting accidental discharges that have wounded four students and the church organist, there has yet to be an incident under Zeke’s watchful eye.”, Mr. Hicks said.

Asked why the school district is considering his proposal, Mr. Hicks said, “Zeke brings a unique perspective to this whole issue, a student’s perspective. You see, his father married his own sister, so he’s a little slow; about the intelligence of a ten-year-old. So he sees things other adults don’t.”

During an CNBS interview, Mr. Chesswinster was asked if he agreed with the National Rifle Association’s claim that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

“You’re darn rights I agree. Compare a maniac with a knife, he might kill one or two and he might even wound a whole sh*t-load. But a maniac with a gun? Now we’re talkin’. An armed fella can kill 20 or 30 and wound even more. That’s the difference a gun can make.”


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