CNBS Guide to Washington Players
Washington (CNBS) – With the special counsel’s ever-expanding investigation of Russian meddling, staff fleeing the White House like locust, and legal papers flying like autumn leaves, CNBS News presents an official program to help readers and viewers identify the various players and the multitude of scandals.
The White House
Donald J. Trump – New York real estate developer. Bankrupt six times. On third marriage (as of time of publication). 2016 Republican candidate for president. Lost to Democrat Hilary Clinton, but nonetheless became President. Children: best estimates are between five and eight. Current record holder for most presidential marriages and bankruptcies. Extra-martial affairs: awaiting tally by the Bureau of the Census.
Melania Trump – Former model Melania Knauss, third wife of Donald Trump. Second U.S. first lady to be publicly humiliated by public disclosure of husband’s extra-marital affairs. One son – Barron Trump. Pending: divorce from Donald Trump.
Mike Pence – Current president-in-waiting and general toady to Donald Trump. Former governor of Indiana, former six-term congressman from Indiana. Lawyer from Columbus, Indiana. Ran twice unsuccessfully for Congress. Has supported the Tea Party movement. Considers himself “a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican in that order . . . and if need be, a Democrat too.” Currently awaiting impeachment of Donald Trump.
The Department of Justice
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III – Currently United States Attorney General (as of time of publication). An early supporter of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and first to receive highly coveted MAGA ball cap. Served as Republican Senator from Alabama for 20 years prior to his nomination. Served as U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama from 1981 to 1993. Nominated to the federal court but never confirmed. Has maintained his cabinet position even though he has yet to do anything to please his immediate boss.
Robert S. Mueller III – Sixth and second longest-serving Director of the FBI, appointed by Pres. George W. Bush. Currently head of the Special Counsel investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election. Served as a Marine Corps officer during the Vietnam War, receiving the Bronze Star for heroism and the Purple Heart. Served as Assistant U.S. Attorney, U.S. Attorney, Assistant Attorney General for the Criminal Division and acting Deputy Attorney General. With Sean Hannity’s 40 demands for his firing, has been awarded the Fox News Top Public Servant for an unprecedented two years in a row – 2018.
The Lawyers & Their Clients
John Miller – Long-time Trump publicist. Known to have close and frequent access to Trump (behind the back of Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly) and is being touted as successor to communications director Hope Hicks. Major hurdle – has better hair than Mr. Trump.
Michael Cohen – Personal New York attorney for David Dennison, John Barron, John Miller, and Donald Trump. Former executive vice president of the Trump Organization and special counsel. Reported to have personally paid $130,000 of his own money in order to silence an actress with allegations against Mr. Dennison and Mr. Trump. Currently awaiting repayment of hush money of $130,000 plus legal fees, along with possible disciplinary action for paying hush money without his client’s knowledge.
David Dennison –No biographical information available on Mr. Dennison. Reported to be close confidant of Donald Trump. Has been named in questionable legal proceeding silence Stormy Daniels, Peggy Peterson, and Stephanie Clifford. Said to be close Fox News personality Sean Hannity and Wikileaks founder and honorary Ecuadorian citizen Julian Assange. Said to be a poorer golfer than Trump.
John Barron – Long time Trump publicist. Little biographical information available other than is unindicted co-conspirator with Donald J. Trump. Currently manages the Trump Organization’s golf courses, hotels, and real estate interests in countries without extradition treaties with the United States.
Stormy Daniels – Adult film actress and director. Has won 18 acting awards including FAME Award “Favorite Breasts” in 2006, 2007, and 2009. Has also won seven directing awards from AVN, Nightmoves, and XBIZ along with four hall of fame nominations. Nomination to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences is pending.
Stephanie Clifford – Actress. Attorney for David Dennison and Donald Trump is attempting to restrain Clifford from speaking about an alleged affairs with Mr. Dennison and Mr. Trump. Declared herself as a Republican in 2010. Formed an exploratory committee to assess a run for the Republican nomination against Senator David Vitter of Louisiana. Subsequently ended the campaign citing costs and inexplicable failure of the media to take her campaign seriously.
Peggy Peterson – No biographical information available. Was a party to a gag order restraining Daniels and Clifford from discussing an affair between Daniels, Clifford, and Peterson with David Dennison, Donald Trump, John Barron, John Miller, Captain Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers, and Big Bird.
Michael Avanatti – Los Angeles attorney for Daniels, Clifford, and Peterson in a gag agreement between David Dennison and Donald Trump and alleged arbitration and a restraining order of questionable legality.
Accurate image of Mr Avanatti, not a black-and-white photo